The Perfect To Crap Gap: How I’m Letting Go of Perfection.
Learning to be ok with being good enough.
It may have been pointed out to me once or twice that I’m too hard on myself. I have to confess, there could be some truth in that.
I’ve never been one to half-ass something. For me, it’s always been ‘go big or go home.’ If you’re not prepared to put the work in, why bother showing up? It’s a personal motto I’ve applied to my life. It’s served me well in my career and it’s got me through some tough times. It’s amazing how far hard work and being as stubborn as a mule can get you.
But the pressure piled on when I became a mum. It comes with a hidden layer of social expectations and an unrealistic portrayal of the everyday norm.
Before the spinal had even worn off the subtle judgements had begun.
I was striving to have an immaculate home, make all my meals from scratch, grow vegetables in my garden and bake my own bread. I took sewing lessons with the intention to make my own clothes. I hosted dinner parties, when I could barely stay awake, and took my son to all the mum and baby groups to kick-start his social circle too.
I failed at keeping my hair under control and would spend several days in the same clothes, that I also slept in when my energy ran out. But I always made sure my baby looked his best. And a quick spritz of Febreze could create the illusion that I had it all together too.
I returned to work and tried to maintain the perfect balance of putting enough time into my job and not neglecting my child or the home, or my partner. That effort did not extend to my houseplants sadly, they didn’t survive. Nor did the relationship in fact, but that’s another story.
Several years later, burnt out and exhausted, I sat with my therapist and watched as she wrote the word ‘perfect’ on the top of a fresh piece of paper.
“What happens if you don’t juggle all of these things?” she gently asked.
“Then I’ve failed” came my reply.
I reached across and wrote ‘crap’ in bold letters across the very bottom of the page.
She held it up to show me “So, what goes in the middle?”
That’s when I discovered my perfect-to-crap gap. In my mind, there wasn’t anything in the middle. If I wasn’t perfect then there was no point showing up. There was no telling me otherwise.
My mum has always told me that Mother Nature has a way of catching up with you. She sure had a treat in store for me, when in 2017 I was diagnosed with ME (chronic fatigue syndrome). Perfect was suddenly a long way out of reach.
Now a single mum, I struggled to drag us through each day. I quickly realised that I had to cut it back to the basics, the things I had to do for our survival and the things I really wanted to do. If I was careful, I could store energy up to play with my son or take him out for a few hours. But perfect was a distant memory.
This is when the perfect-to-crap gap started to fill in and I understood what goes in the middle bit. It’s ‘good enough’.
My son won’t care, or remember if he had home-baked bread or what state the house was in. He will remember our adventures, dressing up as pirates, reading books to each other and the time we made the solar system out of vegetables for his homework. He needs me, my time, my attention. He knows he is loved beyond measure and I will always keep him safe.
My health is much improved now but I’ve kept hold of the belief that I’m enough. I will always aim to do the best I can in every area of my life, that’s just me. But I’ve dropped the unrealistic expectations I placed upon myself.
I’ve learnt also to trust my own judgement. Maybe I haven’t always followed the textbooks or got the routine running smoothly, but we are both happy, healthy and thriving.
My son and I embrace the chaos together, and that’s perfectly enough for me.
