How I’m Struggling To Heal My Childbirth PTSD 12 Years On
My journey to recovery
Like me, my son lives life with full passion and purpose. We share the same motto of ‘go big or go home.’ We are all in.
It’s no surprise then that he chose to enter the world like Superman, arm outstretched and ready to fly.
I love that this is the way he chose to start his life, although it wasn’t so great for birthing him.
In a hurry to start his adventure, labour started quickly and intensely, with no time for any warm-up, or even any warning. There was a mad dash to the hospital, panic, screaming, clothes thrown off and medical staff surrounding me, noise and chaos and searing pain.
Later the midwife would tell me that they didn’t expect me to make it as far as the delivery room, or out of the car park in fact.
The whole process could have been done in record time, except my son’s chosen power pose meant he got stuck, and things got scary.
I lost too much blood, I was pushing for too long. Help had been called but hadn’t come. I knew something was wrong, but I was drifting away.
Finally, my son fought his way into my world and I was whisked away from him. A corridor blurred past, more shouting and rushing and still the screaming continued.
Without the medical team that night, my baby’s first breaths would have been my last.
The emotional scars have far outlived the physical ones. Although the physical ones were substantial too.
I remember that night in fragments, some so vivid I’m taken right back to that moment as if it’s happening now. Other bits are hazy with huge gaps and always there is a sense that there’s something missing I should know. Some unsolved mystery that I can’t get any closer to.
The sleepless nights of the early days were plagued with nightmares in the rare moments I had the chance to close my eyes. The daytime triggered flashbacks, sweaty palms, and a crushing weight on my chest so I couldn’t breathe.
A debrief and the bustle of everyday life helped me to stuff the panicked feelings away inside somewhere I refused to access them. It’s easy enough to change the tv channel when a character goes into labour or excuse myself from the room if it comes up in conversation. Avoidance was my path through.
Skip forward several years and my hormones are in chaos, my body is changing ready for a new phase. I’ve found myself back in hospital appointments and the PTSD has reared its ugly head once more. Only now, it’s mutated. I’ve developed a phobia of clinical environments, spiralling into a panic that starts when the appointment letter drops onto the doormat. Trying to keep breathing and not run.
As I type this, I feel sick and I’m shaking, but I’ll keep going because I know I’m not alone. I know there are many women out there like me. Worried they are making a fuss, shaming themselves for not dealing with it better, feeling stupid and embarrassed, but most of all afraid.
Women like to talk, we talk about a lot of things, but some things we keep hidden and this is one of them.
Yet childbirth PTSD is common, and there is help available.
I’m on a healing journey now and I’m craving all the information I can find about PTSD and trauma. I’m by no means any kind of expert but I have learnt a lot that has helped to lift the shame burden from my shoulders.
The brain changes when it experiences trauma.
When exposed to a threat, the Amygdala (emotional processing centre) kicks the body into fight or flight. In this primitive state, all non-essential systems are shut down and the stress hormone cortisol is released. However, when someone has experienced trauma, the Amygdala has trouble flipping back, leaving the brain in survival mode. It can cause heightened anxiety, stress and feeling edgy.
The Hippocampus is concerned with memory and learning. Many people who experience PTSD may have trouble with memory and problem-solving skills. It may also cause hypervigilance.
The pre-frontal cortex is responsible for rational, decision-making but after experiencing trauma, this may be impaired, making it harder to control fear or to think logically.
The nervous system may also be stuck in overdrive, so as the body is poised, and ready to attack, it can create less tolerance and increased agitation, anxiety, panic and restless energy.
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to know that my brain has been impacted by this. Not because this is something I want or have invited, but because it’s provided a massive release to know that I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not because I’m not trying hard enough, being grateful enough, keeping my vibration high or thinking positively. I need more than affirmations to get me through this.
I’m currently in talking therapy. Trauma requires a special kind of care to avoid reliving the experience, so we don’t go into the details. But it’s helpful to share the load and to be reminded that it’s not my fault, I didn’t do anything wrong and I am safe now. All of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis is normal for the experience I’ve had. It’s all starting to make sense to me now.
I’m still researching and trying to find ways through this. I’m exploring somatic breath work and craniosacral therapy; I’m even planning to give ecstatic dance a go. I’ve been reading about how trauma is stored in the body so I’m keen to find out more and I’ll report back.
If you’re struggling, with PTSD or anything else, please reach out and find the support you need. Help is out there, and you are not alone.
